where does life go?

how does life get so crazy? i feel like i woke up this morning and realized half of my life is gone and i have no idea where the other half is going. life travels so fast, i feel like i do not get the really important things done. i just float along, day to day, playing "keep up" with life, my emotions and my daughter.

tomorrow is abby's observation day at ballet class. she has enjoyed this class so much. it should be fun to watch her in action. i just hope it is not too much of a distraction to have me there. i wish they had 1 way glass to observe instead. i hope to get video of her... keep your fingers crossed that our sporadic camera works tomorrow.

also keep your fingers crossed, or pray if you would rather, that i keep my finger... just kidding. i tore the corner of my nail last weekend and i now have an abscess under my nail. basically it feels as if i have a needle sticking into my finger every time i touch it to something. it has been throbbing all day and the swelling is up to my 1st knuckle. the good news is that it does not tend to swell beyond that - the bad news, so far i am not responding to antibiotics so it's off to the doctor again for me tomorrow morning before my upcoming trip.

i head out sunday for denver. i feel very blessed to have been selected to go as the second part of a team that went to the pebc thinking strategies institute a few years back. it is a reading conference that focuses on classroom environment and comprehension strategies. i am so pumped to see this in action after hearing my colleagues talk about how powerful the experience was for them. i got a sneak peak into the process as an instructor modeled at our school for 2 days in yayasmom's classroom last year. but that was 3rd grade and i have been curious ever since as to what it would look like in a 1st grade classroom. now i will get to see first hand and then try it out in mine! there are 8 of us going. sarah t and tony w are the others from the first grade team. i am glad i will have 1st grade colleagues to reflect on the process with and i'm looking forward to get to know the 3rd grade team a little better!

i just got done with parent / teacher conferences. it was 2 1/2 days of talking and it truly makes my head spin (still). almost all my parents were able to come, which is really nice. i learn a lot more about my kids during conference time. i had a new experience this year, one of my parents dropped the f-bomb, right in front of the student. i don't know why but i got embarrassed. i think i turned red. it was not done in anger, just matter of fact, so it was all good - just uncomfortable for me. i guess it could have been a lot worse.

i was relieved this weekend to get a hello from my cousin erin over in uganda. she and her colleagues recently spent 3 weeks out of contact in southern sudan. i was amazed and humbled as i read her blog entry about her experience there. if you have a chance to head over to her blog, she is a passionate writer and an incredible woman of faith. she also has links to blogs that have been written by her friends and colleagues in uganda with her. they are all written well and very inspiring to read.

speaking of inspiration.. my life group has left me with a lot of questions rattling around these past few weeks. this week is about getting even or giving grace. i have been searching my memory for a time when i had the opportunity to get even with someone. i can't think of a time...i think i probably block out times i have wanted to get even with someone. usually it is a time for me to practice counting to ten and doing deep breathing. or it's a time i gave in and got even and have chosen to forget because i know it wasn't the best thing to do. but i can honestly say, i don't think i strive to get even with others...it doesn't do any good. but the week is also bringing up forgiveness which is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. regretfully, i try and try to forgive but for some "sick" reason i do not forget emotionally painful experiences. i would like to. matter of fact most of the time i wish i could get selective amnesia and wipe out several years of my life but then i have to realize... i will not have learned from those painful experiences if i do not remember them. so, as much as i would like to forget - i shouldn't. which brings me back to forgiveness.

i used to think that if i forgave someone it meant that i was ok with what they did. like my dad, when he had an affair. i was livid with him for hurting our family but i still loved him because he was my father. i felt i would be disloyal to my mom if i forgave him but without forgiveness we could not have a true father-daughter relationship. then i met tricia. she told me that forgiveness has nothing to do with accepting a wrong doing. forgiveness is what is in my heart, it is my duty to forgive. the wrong doing is between my dad and God now. so it was up to my father to ask for his own forgiveness. i think that is why it was so important for me to know my father had found his faith before he passed. i was so worried he had not asked for forgiveness and i wanted so much for him to know that he was forgiven. it was out of my control. and if you know me...you know that "out of control" is very difficult place for me to be!

happy weekend. take care. and stay dry.

playing catch up with my reflections

wow...so much has happened in the past (almost) month since my last post. so many things i had intended to share but didn't get to the computer in the frame of mind to blog. here is a sneak peak at some highlights (in no particular order)

• abby loving her ballet class
• missing my dad
• uncomfortable parent conference - with me on the parent end instead of being the teacher
• missing my dad
• kevin locking himself in the back of his patrol car for 4.5 hours (now, he wants be called macgyver for his ingenious escape with a dog leash)
• missing my dad
• a trip to fantasy halloween trail - fun family day
• missing my dad
• an anniversary trip - from wolf to woof and dinner with my hubby
• missing my dad
• lots of prayers going to my cousins, aunt & uncle
• missing my dad
• women of faith conference - very inspiring for me - lots of new reads to look forward to (thank you kevvie)
• yep, missing my dad
• prayers for debbie
• missing my dad
  
• a stagnant weight loss phase
• missing my dad
• a new life group starting up - new reflections, new direction, new friends
• missing my dad

so we started a new series at church called living right when life goes wrong. it has really gotten me thinking about how i deal with stress and disappointment. an underlying question has continued to ring in my ears ...i have struggled with it & pondered on it for the last few weeks. WHAT DO PEOPLE SEE WHEN YOU ARE IN THE PIT (of life)? i know what i hope people see but i know that is not my reality - or my "current reality" as we say at work. i am still learning to control my emotions...maybe not control them but to live gracefully through them. someday.

we have a (few) winners!

i have decided to declare a tie for my pay it forward giveaway... in great appreciation of my 2 commenters :) congratulations to yayasmom and lori for winning my first ever PIF.

on another note, i spent some time this morning browsing some "weekly winner" blogs so i decided to post a few unofficial weekly winner photos to highlight my week.

monday: coffee... lots of it

tuesday: sleep... and lots of it

wednesday: random interest

thursday: maggie's welcome

friday: mosaic

saturday: life




sunday: my date with a mop

back in the saddle

it has been a while. i have been processing my heart at a snail's pace as i speed along at life's usual hectic pace. i have been inspired by many posts, well wishes, emails, and stories these past few weeks but have not had a clue as to what to say. then my mom sent me an email. it seems to fit right in with my story, my journey searching for my faith and my life right now.

i think we can tell a lot about someone by their beliefs... this piece of writing has gotten me thinking about my own beliefs and how they influence the way i live and how i can learn about myself.

as a winner of yayasmom's pay it forward contest, i need to have my own. i would like to hear from you about which belief from this writing touches a chord in your heart or rings true AND how does it influence the way you live each day. Just leave me a comment and you will be entered in my pay it forward event to win fabulous prizes! contest will end October 3rd at noon.


so happy reading...i hope this piece is as thought provoking for you as me. what do you believe?


I Believe (unknown author)

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born.
A Death Certificate shows that we died.
And, pictures show that we lived!

Now, relax.... and read this slowly.

I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean
they don't love each other. And if they don't argue, it
doesn't mean they do.

I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand
that friends change.

I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to
hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the
longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give
you heartache for life.

I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I
want to be.

I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving
words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you
can't.

I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how
we feel.

I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls
you.

I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and
have the best time.

I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be
angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - That maturity has more to do with what types of
experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to
do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world
doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe - That our background and circumstances may have
influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see
something totally different.

I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by
people who don't even know you.

I believe - . That even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent
human being.

I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken
from you too soon.

thank you

dad's internment is in 10 1/2 hours. kevin and i are finishing off a bottle of wine in his memory so we can place the cork in the ground with his ashes. tonight i celebrate my father.

i am not looking forward to tomorrow but i know that i have so many thoughts and prayers with me. my friends and family "ROCK"! thank you for all the prayers, kind words, flowers, support, encouragement and LOVE during this time in my life. i could not do it without you. i am truly blessed for all i have.

final goodbyes

"what a God we have! and how fortunate we are to have Him! because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for...including a future in heaven - and the future starts now!" 1 Peter 1: 3-4 (The Message)



dad passed today at 4:05pm. i got to be at his side with cathy as he took his last breath. i am relieved he is at peace but so sad he is gone. tomorrow starts a new road on my journey. today i will just grieve.

you can let go now daddy...

so tonight i think i said my final goodbyes to my dad. tomorrow i think he will be in heaven. he is no longer responding to those around him and his breathing is labored. what a change - from even last night. each day this week has been shocking when i walk in to spend time with him. it has been like a time travel going too fast! no wait, i am not ready!

it's weird, i think death smells like chamomile tea - i don't think i will be able to drink it anymore. or maybe when i need some "time" with my dad i should drink it to remember him. it will help remind me of the strong man he has been and how he made sure each one of his kids were ok before he left.

there is a knot in my tummy right now and i feel totally lost. somehow even with the reality of it all, i am still in disbelief that it is coming anytime.

confession

as i sit down to write tonight, i must admit that i write in anger. i do not want to have an angry heart nor do really know why i feel anger right now. it is just there.

what a change 1 week can make...or even 1 day. it is weird how life just keeps going on around you. for me, it feels like slow motion. i can't imagine how it goes for dad or especially for cathy.

i tried to pray along side of my father tonight. it was so frustrating. it made me wonder why i say i am a Christian. i don't know how to pray. it felt clunky and fake. authentic prayer is hard but i don't feel like it should be.

once again, i will go to bed feeling like i have not done enough...

lori "unglued"

so i thought i had been keeping it together pretty well up until today. not so much. i left from visiting my dad completely out of control, feeling "psychotic", and unable to control my emotions. i'm not saying that's a bad thing either. i seem to gather some clarity about what's going on. i have discovered it's harder to visit my dad if i am going to see other family members. it's not as easy to detach emotionally around my family. and again, that's not a bad thing either. it's funny how guilt plays a weird place in my life. where does it come from? and how do i not go there in times of stress?

today i was trying to explain to my brother how i still found it difficult to talk to dad. dad keeps asking if i have anything i need to say to him before he goes. i don't think i do anymore. we were able to talk about his faith and he knows that i love him. jeff said he thinks it's important for me to tell dad it's ok to go...so that was my breaking point. although i have known it is coming and i don't want him to go on in this pain...it is still hard to tell him it's ok to go. luckily, our conversation enabled me to share the song i chose to "sing" (record) for his memorial. the words of the song mesh with my feelings so much and i feel lucky to get to explain to him why. maybe someday i will be brave enough to share the song on here. after all, it is my comfort, my connection to saying goodbye to dad. and the best part.... cathy was in the room with us. she shared my best moment with my dad.


now even with a serious post and a serious topic... i can't leave it without some sense of humor...my dad would not stand for it. so i picked out some choice pictures to share of dr. dad!!!



i call these his super specs, we all tried them on (after some wine of course) but i think he had the most fun wearing them.






here is grandpa don smitten over another little granddaughter. he was making goofy sounds and faces at her even from the beginning. he calls abby "his little girl".







i giggle every time i see this picture. i can hear dad and cathy giggling... all in their glory with their grandchildren. dad is always happiest when he is surrounded by family. i want to make sure he is surrounded by family these final days.

i love you dad. it's ok to go now.

i won!!!!!!!!!!

all right! i am so excited to win yayasmom's pay it forward 3.0 giveaway. what a way to celebrate going back to work tomorrow. now i get to host my own pay it forward. i can't remember all the rules and i want to get creative for the contest so come back in a few days to enter. your odds of winning should be really good...



now for some other excitement for the week... abby was playing in our backyard while i was puttering around the house. i would look out the window to check on her every few minutes. low and behold, abby had decided to go "swimming" with her rubber duckie in the backyard. at first glance she still had her shirt on... by the time kevin got the camera she was - well- buck naked and having a ball! by the time she was finished, she had removed all the water plants and she was using their containers to dump water over her head. grandma cholly was nice enough to bathe the stinky, swamp rat after her adventure. like i said in an earlier post. i am blessed by a wonderful three year old and all the crazy things she does to make me laugh!

there's not a whole lot...

going on inside of me right now. well, that's not really true but sometimes it feels that way. i feel like i should feel more, do more, say more. please excuse me for jumping around while i explore my thought process.

a few months ago i went to my first lifegroup at the church i have been attending for about a year. it was exactly what i needed to begin breaking through the social anxiety i feel in new situations. the first week we were talking about circumstances that have caused us to believe or doubt God's existence. i remember struggling (a lot) with this idea because i knew i shouldn't doubt God's existence but some of the things i (we all) see in this world are so unexplainable. for me it is some of the situations i see in my work with children and the big one right now for me is...my dad. i realized i was constantly questioning God, "why does He allow cancer?" "why are there horrible things in this world?" "why, why, why" this is not fair! people are not supposed to die this way...or this soon. why do i have to lose my father and why does abby have to lose her grandpa so early. i wanted to her to have the great relationship with him like i had with my grandpa. why does cathy have to lose her husband just a few years after they married. why did i wait so long to get close to my father? these are just a few of my whys and me sounding like a spoiled 3 year old. :o)

i continued my lifegroup journey for 7 more weeks, then finished out the summer before i realized that something is changing. i really started thinking about my doubts after reading a post by lori , talking to yayasmom, and getting an encouraging email from my dear cousin erin. while i still find myself asking those questions...they are not to God but to myself. i'm not saying that all the doubt is gone for me. i still struggle trying to make sense of everything. i still ask why, why, why... BUT when i really think about it, the why is not the true question. i think it is easier to get lost in the why so i don't have to deal with the WHAT...

what now?
what can i do to help?
what do i say?
what am i going to do when i need my dad?
what do i tell people when they ask?
what happens next?
what if i can't handle it?


maybe i should have titled this post there's not a whole lot making sense inside of me right now. that is what appears to be happening. i guess the point i was discovering in myself is that my doubt is shifting. i think it is natural (and probably healthy) to doubt. i may not be able to change that my dad is going to die soon but maybe i can start to explore what i can do to change things around me. just another thought to ponder... i think that is one of the things that made my grandma betty so special to me. instead of judging or asking why, i think she just trusted God and changed things for those around her with loving support. i hope that someday, i will do that too.

on the lighter side

what are your four (a meme) from YaYasMom

A) Four Family members: kevin, abby, rosie, the cats

B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly): kevin, janelle, debbie, grandma

C) Four of my favorite places to eat: home, dad & cathy's, mcmenamins, cheesecake factory

D) Four places I would rather be right now: alaska, hawaii, disneyworld, asleep

E) Four people I think will respond: suzie q, joe blow, jane smith, john doe

F) Four TV shows I watch over and over: du-du-du-du-du-dora, little einsteins, big brother, so you think you can dance

g) Four things i do to procrastinate: facebook, pogo, watch du-du-du-du-du-dora, organize the paper drawer

i don't know the rules to a meme...but i added one to the list.

blog on!

thank you

too much time has passed since my last post. i have been practicing some avoidance techniques with my emotional self which can only be done if i don't reflect... however, blogs (and life) don't work well without something to share or reflect on. so after some good tears today, i am ready to take the next step in sharing.

dad is no longer on chemo, he is in hospice (thank you hospice workers, you are angels). his quality of life is as sporadic as a teenage girl in puberty. i can respectfully make that comparison because i once struggled with the ups & downs of being a teenager AND because i just have to be sarcastic sometimes to get through this. we had a family meeting last week to open up lines of communication so we don't feel like we are going about this alone. we also celebrated my dad's 68th birthday together. he presented each grandchild with a special japanese doll that came from his parents. it was very meaningful to everyone. my dad has spoken about how much he enjoyed the day AND he hinted that he is not done fighting yet!

my dad and i have begun talking. i have been struggling with one conversation i didn't want to have...one of faith. it was important to me to ask my dad about his faith, especially since he has been asking me a lot of questions about my church. a little history - my parents raised my brothers & i in church however it was never really talked about as we got older, busier and moved away from attending church. my dad was also raised in the church. i think my grandmother is one of the most Christ-like women i know and she is the person who inspired me to find my faith. so the challenge with my dad was, i did not know whether my dad was a Christian? somehow, i needed to know if he was going to heaven BUT i did not know how to ask. i finally figured it out...i am so new in my faith and i felt i needed to have all the right answers just incase he asked. i was afraid. so afraid that i couldn't talk to him about anything. it all seems so silly now... thanks to a family friend and my uncles, i have my answer now and as much as i don't want him to go yet... i have comfort in knowing he will be "Dancing In Heaven" (soon).

one thing about talking with my dad... i am a lot more like him than i realized. the other day he was talking about his need to be in control of something-rather and i just giggled...hmmm. i don't EVER need to feel in control. i don't think (i hope) to come across as a control freak but deep inside any loss of control turns my tummy in knots. thanks dad! i think i saw my dad cry for the first time at his birthday celebration. wow. and today something he said really sunk in too... he said he didn't want to be the tough guy about all this. he wants to cry with us. it was like he was giving me permission to break down in front of him. once again, another way i am so like him... i have been trying to be the tough gal around him. i wanted him to see i was ok but the truth is-i am NOT ok with this!!! i realized today, he really needs to hear that from me. i think it's his way of trying to comfort his kids before he goes. once again, i can say...

thank you, dad. you are doing an amazing job at comforting us.

insomnia...

so lately i have been doing a whole lot of soul searching. a little over a year ago, i sat at my grandmothers memorial service and listened to the wonderful things people had to say about her. i always thought she was something special but i figured it was because she was MY grandma and don’t we all think our grandmas are the best? what i realized is that she was quite a unique woman…and at that moment i realized i wanted to be more like her.

in a weird way, it is that realization that has led me here. my story, my journey, my life. originally i thought of this blog as a way to travel through my spiritual journey as i meet each week with a group of strangers ( well not really strangers anymore) at church. a way to secretly reflect on my thoughts and try to figure out my place here in life but ---a lot of what comes to mind each time i sit to write is about my father. the cancer is moving faster than originally thought. how quickly it goes from “treat-able” to terminal. so, i have less than a year to speak my mind, to ask the questions and to let him know he is loved. here’s the problem… when i sit next to him i CAN”T. you know the uncomfortable small talk that occurs on a first date???? yeah. that’s me. not me dating my father- :) but me not knowing what to say. any advice?

.....well enough of this…..

here are some of the reasons i am blessed…

Kevvie...

a 3 year old and all the crazy things she does to make me laugh...

and a job i LOVE!

I love silly quizzes!

i found one of those silly color quizzes online and i like the results! of course green is my ultimate favorite color. i just hope that i can stand true to the nice things this quiz says about "me".

Green

You're green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

birthday mystery

so, last week was my birthday. monday night i was putting abby to bed when kevin mysteriously vanished. he returned and called abby out to the garage??? ahh, a quiet moment. just as i was dozing off, abby returns...

she whispers "mommy, we have a surprise for you. it's a secret"
really
whispering a little louder, "it's a secret i can't tell you"
oh abby, i can't wait, i am so excited!
talking now "it's breakable"
ok abby, don't tell me anymore, you can show me tomorrow...
"it's a glass and a candle and a hula girl."

at this point, i begin the la, la, la, la I can't hear you because i didn't want her to spoil kevin's surprise. but at the same time i really wanted to ask her more...a hula girl??? all i can picture in my mind is the leg lamp from "the Christmas story"...oh, dear what has kevin done? i was really curious now!!!



now, i just about fell over laughing tuesday morning when she brought me my "hula girl".....



it was a beautiful Ugandan basket of goodies kevin put together with green raffia in the bottom...my hula girl!

late haiku friday

delivering treats
grandpa, why are you in bed?
chemotherapy

hide there are monsters
grandpa's smile sneaks out briefly
wonderful to watch

grandma on the floor
sharing stickers and giggles
grateful to have her

too quiet!!!

so the family set out for a trip in the trailer. our version of "roughing it"... great campsite in the quiet back loop of ft. stevens state park and the perfect weather for relaxing with a book. day 1... finally it's quiet time for abby (and mommy). instead of settling down with a nice book like i wanted...i promptly fell asleep next to my already snoring husband. it is so quiet, she MUST be asleep! here is what we woke to...

abby found the box of 'my little pony' bandaids in her clothes box and proceeded to empty the box all over herself! she refused to remove them all week. gotta love kids!

Cancer SUCKS!

i have just spent a day and a half "hanging" out with my dad. what a change this year has brought. it is constant highs and lows. we talked about quality of life and what that really means to someone. the thing is i couldn't ask him what he thinks about his quality of life. i really can't ask him anything i want to ask before he dies...

so cancer ~ just one of my many journeys in life. i have been touched by cancer many times before...only this time the cancer is ahead and this time it is my dad. it makes me want to scream at anyone who will listen and at the same time it makes me want to hide from the world. i thought i would feel a little better posting my strange thoughts and feelings about these past few days but - i don't. i'll try highlighting a more positive journey next time around but for now, this is my life.

off and "running"

i can't believe i am doing this. another thing to keep up on but... i will consider it my way of scrap booking. i am looking forward to a little creative output, now i just need to try to figure it out. i have enjoyed reading blogs of people i know. i am pleased to be entertained by them and amazed at how creative people are. while reading, i somehow feel like i am sneaking into their lives without them even realizing. i guess now i am inviting you to sneak into mine.