there's not a whole lot...

going on inside of me right now. well, that's not really true but sometimes it feels that way. i feel like i should feel more, do more, say more. please excuse me for jumping around while i explore my thought process.

a few months ago i went to my first lifegroup at the church i have been attending for about a year. it was exactly what i needed to begin breaking through the social anxiety i feel in new situations. the first week we were talking about circumstances that have caused us to believe or doubt God's existence. i remember struggling (a lot) with this idea because i knew i shouldn't doubt God's existence but some of the things i (we all) see in this world are so unexplainable. for me it is some of the situations i see in my work with children and the big one right now for me is...my dad. i realized i was constantly questioning God, "why does He allow cancer?" "why are there horrible things in this world?" "why, why, why" this is not fair! people are not supposed to die this way...or this soon. why do i have to lose my father and why does abby have to lose her grandpa so early. i wanted to her to have the great relationship with him like i had with my grandpa. why does cathy have to lose her husband just a few years after they married. why did i wait so long to get close to my father? these are just a few of my whys and me sounding like a spoiled 3 year old. :o)

i continued my lifegroup journey for 7 more weeks, then finished out the summer before i realized that something is changing. i really started thinking about my doubts after reading a post by lori , talking to yayasmom, and getting an encouraging email from my dear cousin erin. while i still find myself asking those questions...they are not to God but to myself. i'm not saying that all the doubt is gone for me. i still struggle trying to make sense of everything. i still ask why, why, why... BUT when i really think about it, the why is not the true question. i think it is easier to get lost in the why so i don't have to deal with the WHAT...

what now?
what can i do to help?
what do i say?
what am i going to do when i need my dad?
what do i tell people when they ask?
what happens next?
what if i can't handle it?


maybe i should have titled this post there's not a whole lot making sense inside of me right now. that is what appears to be happening. i guess the point i was discovering in myself is that my doubt is shifting. i think it is natural (and probably healthy) to doubt. i may not be able to change that my dad is going to die soon but maybe i can start to explore what i can do to change things around me. just another thought to ponder... i think that is one of the things that made my grandma betty so special to me. instead of judging or asking why, i think she just trusted God and changed things for those around her with loving support. i hope that someday, i will do that too.