thank you

too much time has passed since my last post. i have been practicing some avoidance techniques with my emotional self which can only be done if i don't reflect... however, blogs (and life) don't work well without something to share or reflect on. so after some good tears today, i am ready to take the next step in sharing.

dad is no longer on chemo, he is in hospice (thank you hospice workers, you are angels). his quality of life is as sporadic as a teenage girl in puberty. i can respectfully make that comparison because i once struggled with the ups & downs of being a teenager AND because i just have to be sarcastic sometimes to get through this. we had a family meeting last week to open up lines of communication so we don't feel like we are going about this alone. we also celebrated my dad's 68th birthday together. he presented each grandchild with a special japanese doll that came from his parents. it was very meaningful to everyone. my dad has spoken about how much he enjoyed the day AND he hinted that he is not done fighting yet!

my dad and i have begun talking. i have been struggling with one conversation i didn't want to have...one of faith. it was important to me to ask my dad about his faith, especially since he has been asking me a lot of questions about my church. a little history - my parents raised my brothers & i in church however it was never really talked about as we got older, busier and moved away from attending church. my dad was also raised in the church. i think my grandmother is one of the most Christ-like women i know and she is the person who inspired me to find my faith. so the challenge with my dad was, i did not know whether my dad was a Christian? somehow, i needed to know if he was going to heaven BUT i did not know how to ask. i finally figured it out...i am so new in my faith and i felt i needed to have all the right answers just incase he asked. i was afraid. so afraid that i couldn't talk to him about anything. it all seems so silly now... thanks to a family friend and my uncles, i have my answer now and as much as i don't want him to go yet... i have comfort in knowing he will be "Dancing In Heaven" (soon).

one thing about talking with my dad... i am a lot more like him than i realized. the other day he was talking about his need to be in control of something-rather and i just giggled...hmmm. i don't EVER need to feel in control. i don't think (i hope) to come across as a control freak but deep inside any loss of control turns my tummy in knots. thanks dad! i think i saw my dad cry for the first time at his birthday celebration. wow. and today something he said really sunk in too... he said he didn't want to be the tough guy about all this. he wants to cry with us. it was like he was giving me permission to break down in front of him. once again, another way i am so like him... i have been trying to be the tough gal around him. i wanted him to see i was ok but the truth is-i am NOT ok with this!!! i realized today, he really needs to hear that from me. i think it's his way of trying to comfort his kids before he goes. once again, i can say...

thank you, dad. you are doing an amazing job at comforting us.