lori "unglued"

so i thought i had been keeping it together pretty well up until today. not so much. i left from visiting my dad completely out of control, feeling "psychotic", and unable to control my emotions. i'm not saying that's a bad thing either. i seem to gather some clarity about what's going on. i have discovered it's harder to visit my dad if i am going to see other family members. it's not as easy to detach emotionally around my family. and again, that's not a bad thing either. it's funny how guilt plays a weird place in my life. where does it come from? and how do i not go there in times of stress?

today i was trying to explain to my brother how i still found it difficult to talk to dad. dad keeps asking if i have anything i need to say to him before he goes. i don't think i do anymore. we were able to talk about his faith and he knows that i love him. jeff said he thinks it's important for me to tell dad it's ok to go...so that was my breaking point. although i have known it is coming and i don't want him to go on in this pain...it is still hard to tell him it's ok to go. luckily, our conversation enabled me to share the song i chose to "sing" (record) for his memorial. the words of the song mesh with my feelings so much and i feel lucky to get to explain to him why. maybe someday i will be brave enough to share the song on here. after all, it is my comfort, my connection to saying goodbye to dad. and the best part.... cathy was in the room with us. she shared my best moment with my dad.


now even with a serious post and a serious topic... i can't leave it without some sense of humor...my dad would not stand for it. so i picked out some choice pictures to share of dr. dad!!!



i call these his super specs, we all tried them on (after some wine of course) but i think he had the most fun wearing them.






here is grandpa don smitten over another little granddaughter. he was making goofy sounds and faces at her even from the beginning. he calls abby "his little girl".







i giggle every time i see this picture. i can hear dad and cathy giggling... all in their glory with their grandchildren. dad is always happiest when he is surrounded by family. i want to make sure he is surrounded by family these final days.

i love you dad. it's ok to go now.