insomnia...

so lately i have been doing a whole lot of soul searching. a little over a year ago, i sat at my grandmothers memorial service and listened to the wonderful things people had to say about her. i always thought she was something special but i figured it was because she was MY grandma and don’t we all think our grandmas are the best? what i realized is that she was quite a unique woman…and at that moment i realized i wanted to be more like her.

in a weird way, it is that realization that has led me here. my story, my journey, my life. originally i thought of this blog as a way to travel through my spiritual journey as i meet each week with a group of strangers ( well not really strangers anymore) at church. a way to secretly reflect on my thoughts and try to figure out my place here in life but ---a lot of what comes to mind each time i sit to write is about my father. the cancer is moving faster than originally thought. how quickly it goes from “treat-able” to terminal. so, i have less than a year to speak my mind, to ask the questions and to let him know he is loved. here’s the problem… when i sit next to him i CAN”T. you know the uncomfortable small talk that occurs on a first date???? yeah. that’s me. not me dating my father- :) but me not knowing what to say. any advice?

.....well enough of this…..

here are some of the reasons i am blessed…

Kevvie...

a 3 year old and all the crazy things she does to make me laugh...

and a job i LOVE!

I love silly quizzes!

i found one of those silly color quizzes online and i like the results! of course green is my ultimate favorite color. i just hope that i can stand true to the nice things this quiz says about "me".

Green

You're green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

birthday mystery

so, last week was my birthday. monday night i was putting abby to bed when kevin mysteriously vanished. he returned and called abby out to the garage??? ahh, a quiet moment. just as i was dozing off, abby returns...

she whispers "mommy, we have a surprise for you. it's a secret"
really
whispering a little louder, "it's a secret i can't tell you"
oh abby, i can't wait, i am so excited!
talking now "it's breakable"
ok abby, don't tell me anymore, you can show me tomorrow...
"it's a glass and a candle and a hula girl."

at this point, i begin the la, la, la, la I can't hear you because i didn't want her to spoil kevin's surprise. but at the same time i really wanted to ask her more...a hula girl??? all i can picture in my mind is the leg lamp from "the Christmas story"...oh, dear what has kevin done? i was really curious now!!!



now, i just about fell over laughing tuesday morning when she brought me my "hula girl".....



it was a beautiful Ugandan basket of goodies kevin put together with green raffia in the bottom...my hula girl!

late haiku friday

delivering treats
grandpa, why are you in bed?
chemotherapy

hide there are monsters
grandpa's smile sneaks out briefly
wonderful to watch

grandma on the floor
sharing stickers and giggles
grateful to have her

too quiet!!!

so the family set out for a trip in the trailer. our version of "roughing it"... great campsite in the quiet back loop of ft. stevens state park and the perfect weather for relaxing with a book. day 1... finally it's quiet time for abby (and mommy). instead of settling down with a nice book like i wanted...i promptly fell asleep next to my already snoring husband. it is so quiet, she MUST be asleep! here is what we woke to...

abby found the box of 'my little pony' bandaids in her clothes box and proceeded to empty the box all over herself! she refused to remove them all week. gotta love kids!

Cancer SUCKS!

i have just spent a day and a half "hanging" out with my dad. what a change this year has brought. it is constant highs and lows. we talked about quality of life and what that really means to someone. the thing is i couldn't ask him what he thinks about his quality of life. i really can't ask him anything i want to ask before he dies...

so cancer ~ just one of my many journeys in life. i have been touched by cancer many times before...only this time the cancer is ahead and this time it is my dad. it makes me want to scream at anyone who will listen and at the same time it makes me want to hide from the world. i thought i would feel a little better posting my strange thoughts and feelings about these past few days but - i don't. i'll try highlighting a more positive journey next time around but for now, this is my life.