Anniversary

so, it has been a year since my dad left to go dance on streets of gold with Jesus. i have been thinking of him a lot more than usual today. we even ventured to his memorial this afternoon... it is the first time i have been back. this past year i have been spending a lot of time trying not to feel...mostly with success but what i have found is 9 times out of 10, when emotion does sneak out, it comes out as anger. i have never seen myself as an angry person. grief is weird.

the hardest part of my recent journey is trying not to feel and yet struggling with the lack of passion, enjoyment and happiness that i used to feel. what i am discovering is that you cannot give up one emotion without giving up the others - no matter how much you try. as i was sitting at the cemetery, listening to my mind for the first time in months, i heard the song i sang for my dad...

"one day i'll be with you...but for now, i have His work to do"

...somewhere i have forgotten that. i relied on God so much to give me strength to get me through dad's sickness. i don't think, no-i know i would not have gotten through it without Him. then why did i stop relying on him through the grief? why is it so hard to ask for help when you hurt? is it hard for you to lean on God when you hurt? if so, why? and if it's not hard--- how do you do it?