Anniversary

so, it has been a year since my dad left to go dance on streets of gold with Jesus. i have been thinking of him a lot more than usual today. we even ventured to his memorial this afternoon... it is the first time i have been back. this past year i have been spending a lot of time trying not to feel...mostly with success but what i have found is 9 times out of 10, when emotion does sneak out, it comes out as anger. i have never seen myself as an angry person. grief is weird.

the hardest part of my recent journey is trying not to feel and yet struggling with the lack of passion, enjoyment and happiness that i used to feel. what i am discovering is that you cannot give up one emotion without giving up the others - no matter how much you try. as i was sitting at the cemetery, listening to my mind for the first time in months, i heard the song i sang for my dad...

"one day i'll be with you...but for now, i have His work to do"

...somewhere i have forgotten that. i relied on God so much to give me strength to get me through dad's sickness. i don't think, no-i know i would not have gotten through it without Him. then why did i stop relying on him through the grief? why is it so hard to ask for help when you hurt? is it hard for you to lean on God when you hurt? if so, why? and if it's not hard--- how do you do it?

rambling detective work

so i am sitting up trying to fight off a panic attack with deep breaths and journal writing rather than medication...i think my heart is trying to skip right out of my rib cage and it feels like a million angry bees are trying to get out. there is one more hour of easter sunday for me and the rest of the pacific time zone. normally this is one of my favorite holidays of the year...but instead it has turned into the hardest holiday for me so far. all evening i have been trying to figure out WHY has easter been harder than christmas...or valentines...or great guys day??? why do i feel so empty?

well, recently i began therapy. i treated myself (and my family) to try to regain some sanity...my counselor quickly pinpointed grief as being a factor (which was not a surprise) and suggested journal writing. so here i am, blogging once again trying to share my feelings, hoping to gain some clarity for myself as well as maybe, hopefully, just in case, helping someone else with the struggles in their life as well.

so back to easter...why was it hard...why was it emotional...after all i don't have any overwhelming childhood memories of easter with my dad. yes they were great and my parents always made them fun but why am i attaching this to dad? i began thinking about the sunday school lesson that i helped with today. the lead teacher kept reminding the children that easter is about the last supper when Jesus told the disciples that He loved them very much and that He was going to die but He would rise again. ***now, let me FIRST say: i do not wish to portray that i think my father is Jesus: that is not the point. nor can i even compare my father to Jesus... but, the conversation really sounded familiar. then the lead teacher said...but that's ok because we will see Jesus in heaven again one day... BAM!!! i remember the very feelings i had when my dad said to me that he and i would see each other again in heaven someday.

hmmm, so, now i get why today felt so bad. grief is weird... i really think i would like to go back to the numb stage...

the queen of guilt

so, it has been ages since i have sat down to post. there has been a lot going on in my life, in my head and in my heart. mostly i am just going day to day. everyone in the household is busy, healthy and blessed to have a warm roof over our head. what strange weather this winter has brought us.

i have been feeling very down lately, like i am in a perpetual fog. somehow, i feel like i am supposed to be over dad's death and all the emotions involved. but you know, i realized that i have only started the process. i think i jumped back into life too quickly and did not allow myself to grieve. somehow i am scared that once i let go it is not going to stop. i just keep stuffing it down and there is not much room left to stuff. so, it is time to deal and work through this craziness AND not feel guilty in doing so. you see...i am the QUEEN of guilt!

as i was sitting in my car the other day waiting for something, i came across a little notebook in my purse. i started flipping through the pages and realized they were the notes i took, in the dark, at the women of faith conference. after deciphering the scribbles, one of the notes i found really caught my eye. i don't know which speaker said this or what context it was in but what i wrote down really hit home for me right now.

"grief is a decision to heal our future"

so in this post, i give myself permission to continue on my journey in life---which includes grieving for the loss of my dad. i am not going to let this perpetual fog stay in my head any longer. i hope you understand.