you can let go now daddy...

so tonight i think i said my final goodbyes to my dad. tomorrow i think he will be in heaven. he is no longer responding to those around him and his breathing is labored. what a change - from even last night. each day this week has been shocking when i walk in to spend time with him. it has been like a time travel going too fast! no wait, i am not ready!

it's weird, i think death smells like chamomile tea - i don't think i will be able to drink it anymore. or maybe when i need some "time" with my dad i should drink it to remember him. it will help remind me of the strong man he has been and how he made sure each one of his kids were ok before he left.

there is a knot in my tummy right now and i feel totally lost. somehow even with the reality of it all, i am still in disbelief that it is coming anytime.

confession

as i sit down to write tonight, i must admit that i write in anger. i do not want to have an angry heart nor do really know why i feel anger right now. it is just there.

what a change 1 week can make...or even 1 day. it is weird how life just keeps going on around you. for me, it feels like slow motion. i can't imagine how it goes for dad or especially for cathy.

i tried to pray along side of my father tonight. it was so frustrating. it made me wonder why i say i am a Christian. i don't know how to pray. it felt clunky and fake. authentic prayer is hard but i don't feel like it should be.

once again, i will go to bed feeling like i have not done enough...

lori "unglued"

so i thought i had been keeping it together pretty well up until today. not so much. i left from visiting my dad completely out of control, feeling "psychotic", and unable to control my emotions. i'm not saying that's a bad thing either. i seem to gather some clarity about what's going on. i have discovered it's harder to visit my dad if i am going to see other family members. it's not as easy to detach emotionally around my family. and again, that's not a bad thing either. it's funny how guilt plays a weird place in my life. where does it come from? and how do i not go there in times of stress?

today i was trying to explain to my brother how i still found it difficult to talk to dad. dad keeps asking if i have anything i need to say to him before he goes. i don't think i do anymore. we were able to talk about his faith and he knows that i love him. jeff said he thinks it's important for me to tell dad it's ok to go...so that was my breaking point. although i have known it is coming and i don't want him to go on in this pain...it is still hard to tell him it's ok to go. luckily, our conversation enabled me to share the song i chose to "sing" (record) for his memorial. the words of the song mesh with my feelings so much and i feel lucky to get to explain to him why. maybe someday i will be brave enough to share the song on here. after all, it is my comfort, my connection to saying goodbye to dad. and the best part.... cathy was in the room with us. she shared my best moment with my dad.


now even with a serious post and a serious topic... i can't leave it without some sense of humor...my dad would not stand for it. so i picked out some choice pictures to share of dr. dad!!!



i call these his super specs, we all tried them on (after some wine of course) but i think he had the most fun wearing them.






here is grandpa don smitten over another little granddaughter. he was making goofy sounds and faces at her even from the beginning. he calls abby "his little girl".







i giggle every time i see this picture. i can hear dad and cathy giggling... all in their glory with their grandchildren. dad is always happiest when he is surrounded by family. i want to make sure he is surrounded by family these final days.

i love you dad. it's ok to go now.

i won!!!!!!!!!!

all right! i am so excited to win yayasmom's pay it forward 3.0 giveaway. what a way to celebrate going back to work tomorrow. now i get to host my own pay it forward. i can't remember all the rules and i want to get creative for the contest so come back in a few days to enter. your odds of winning should be really good...



now for some other excitement for the week... abby was playing in our backyard while i was puttering around the house. i would look out the window to check on her every few minutes. low and behold, abby had decided to go "swimming" with her rubber duckie in the backyard. at first glance she still had her shirt on... by the time kevin got the camera she was - well- buck naked and having a ball! by the time she was finished, she had removed all the water plants and she was using their containers to dump water over her head. grandma cholly was nice enough to bathe the stinky, swamp rat after her adventure. like i said in an earlier post. i am blessed by a wonderful three year old and all the crazy things she does to make me laugh!

there's not a whole lot...

going on inside of me right now. well, that's not really true but sometimes it feels that way. i feel like i should feel more, do more, say more. please excuse me for jumping around while i explore my thought process.

a few months ago i went to my first lifegroup at the church i have been attending for about a year. it was exactly what i needed to begin breaking through the social anxiety i feel in new situations. the first week we were talking about circumstances that have caused us to believe or doubt God's existence. i remember struggling (a lot) with this idea because i knew i shouldn't doubt God's existence but some of the things i (we all) see in this world are so unexplainable. for me it is some of the situations i see in my work with children and the big one right now for me is...my dad. i realized i was constantly questioning God, "why does He allow cancer?" "why are there horrible things in this world?" "why, why, why" this is not fair! people are not supposed to die this way...or this soon. why do i have to lose my father and why does abby have to lose her grandpa so early. i wanted to her to have the great relationship with him like i had with my grandpa. why does cathy have to lose her husband just a few years after they married. why did i wait so long to get close to my father? these are just a few of my whys and me sounding like a spoiled 3 year old. :o)

i continued my lifegroup journey for 7 more weeks, then finished out the summer before i realized that something is changing. i really started thinking about my doubts after reading a post by lori , talking to yayasmom, and getting an encouraging email from my dear cousin erin. while i still find myself asking those questions...they are not to God but to myself. i'm not saying that all the doubt is gone for me. i still struggle trying to make sense of everything. i still ask why, why, why... BUT when i really think about it, the why is not the true question. i think it is easier to get lost in the why so i don't have to deal with the WHAT...

what now?
what can i do to help?
what do i say?
what am i going to do when i need my dad?
what do i tell people when they ask?
what happens next?
what if i can't handle it?


maybe i should have titled this post there's not a whole lot making sense inside of me right now. that is what appears to be happening. i guess the point i was discovering in myself is that my doubt is shifting. i think it is natural (and probably healthy) to doubt. i may not be able to change that my dad is going to die soon but maybe i can start to explore what i can do to change things around me. just another thought to ponder... i think that is one of the things that made my grandma betty so special to me. instead of judging or asking why, i think she just trusted God and changed things for those around her with loving support. i hope that someday, i will do that too.

on the lighter side

what are your four (a meme) from YaYasMom

A) Four Family members: kevin, abby, rosie, the cats

B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly): kevin, janelle, debbie, grandma

C) Four of my favorite places to eat: home, dad & cathy's, mcmenamins, cheesecake factory

D) Four places I would rather be right now: alaska, hawaii, disneyworld, asleep

E) Four people I think will respond: suzie q, joe blow, jane smith, john doe

F) Four TV shows I watch over and over: du-du-du-du-du-dora, little einsteins, big brother, so you think you can dance

g) Four things i do to procrastinate: facebook, pogo, watch du-du-du-du-du-dora, organize the paper drawer

i don't know the rules to a meme...but i added one to the list.

blog on!

thank you

too much time has passed since my last post. i have been practicing some avoidance techniques with my emotional self which can only be done if i don't reflect... however, blogs (and life) don't work well without something to share or reflect on. so after some good tears today, i am ready to take the next step in sharing.

dad is no longer on chemo, he is in hospice (thank you hospice workers, you are angels). his quality of life is as sporadic as a teenage girl in puberty. i can respectfully make that comparison because i once struggled with the ups & downs of being a teenager AND because i just have to be sarcastic sometimes to get through this. we had a family meeting last week to open up lines of communication so we don't feel like we are going about this alone. we also celebrated my dad's 68th birthday together. he presented each grandchild with a special japanese doll that came from his parents. it was very meaningful to everyone. my dad has spoken about how much he enjoyed the day AND he hinted that he is not done fighting yet!

my dad and i have begun talking. i have been struggling with one conversation i didn't want to have...one of faith. it was important to me to ask my dad about his faith, especially since he has been asking me a lot of questions about my church. a little history - my parents raised my brothers & i in church however it was never really talked about as we got older, busier and moved away from attending church. my dad was also raised in the church. i think my grandmother is one of the most Christ-like women i know and she is the person who inspired me to find my faith. so the challenge with my dad was, i did not know whether my dad was a Christian? somehow, i needed to know if he was going to heaven BUT i did not know how to ask. i finally figured it out...i am so new in my faith and i felt i needed to have all the right answers just incase he asked. i was afraid. so afraid that i couldn't talk to him about anything. it all seems so silly now... thanks to a family friend and my uncles, i have my answer now and as much as i don't want him to go yet... i have comfort in knowing he will be "Dancing In Heaven" (soon).

one thing about talking with my dad... i am a lot more like him than i realized. the other day he was talking about his need to be in control of something-rather and i just giggled...hmmm. i don't EVER need to feel in control. i don't think (i hope) to come across as a control freak but deep inside any loss of control turns my tummy in knots. thanks dad! i think i saw my dad cry for the first time at his birthday celebration. wow. and today something he said really sunk in too... he said he didn't want to be the tough guy about all this. he wants to cry with us. it was like he was giving me permission to break down in front of him. once again, another way i am so like him... i have been trying to be the tough gal around him. i wanted him to see i was ok but the truth is-i am NOT ok with this!!! i realized today, he really needs to hear that from me. i think it's his way of trying to comfort his kids before he goes. once again, i can say...

thank you, dad. you are doing an amazing job at comforting us.