Four years ago tomorrow my dad went home to be with Jesus. Days have been busy and life has gone on but I have not stopped missing my dad. I wish he were still here today; there is so much I want to talk about.

Luminaria Bag

A friend of mine inspired me to start blogging again. For me, it's not about sharing my thoughts or some incredible journey. I am not doing amazing work or serving others. I am not doing anything special at all. For me, it's more about talking to myself - and listening to myself. To do that, I write. My heart does best speaking through my hands.

Two years ago this September, I lost my dad to cancer. For a while, I thought I was doing pretty well but recently, I have realized just how much that loss has cost me...and my family.

On July 17th, I participated on a Relay for Life team. I felt it was my way of fighting back for my dad. I thought it would help me heal. I thought I would feel better after getting involved. ... ... ... ... ...

Relay for Life,

Luminaria Ceremony

Moving and Incredible

this was mine, for my dad...

Dear Dad,

I miss you every day. When people ask me why I Relay I answer, “for my dad”. But that is the easy version of the answer because I never want to say too much. I guess I don’t really want to say much at all anymore. What I really want is to talk to you. I want to tell you my thoughts and process my questions with you. Maybe I’m just scared that if I do try to explain to someone, the tears may start and never stop.

When you told me you were diagnosed with cancer I felt like my voice was taken away. I no longer felt I had any control. I thought that by doing the Relay for Life in your memory it would somehow give me back my desire to have a voice; to talk to people, to be me. The problem is I don’t feel like me anymore. There is a part of me that died along side of you and it hasn’t come back or been filled like I thought it eventually would. It just feels like it is getting deeper and deeper.

This is my way of saying, I love you and I miss you. But I am still angry you were taken so soon. Please ask Jesus to give you a hug and know that it is from me.

Your daughter,

Lori

Relay For Life

A lot has happened this year.
I have done a lot of thinking.
This Christmas has been the hardest so far.
So, it is time to do something about it...

Kevin and I have started Team Timberwolf and registered for the Relay for Life in Clackamas, Oregon. I am overwhelmed at how Cancer has touched -well, more like grabbed a hold and shook my life...

I remember...my dad
I celebrate survival...my step-dad
I celebrate survival...my father-in-law
I remember...my grandpa Ted
I celebrate survival...my grandma Jan
I remember...my grandma Betty
I celebrate survival...my aunt
I celebrate survival...my friend, Jim
I celebrate survival...my dear friend, Anna
I am fighting with...my amazing friend, Carol

come join our team any way you can!!! We welcome prayer, walkers, a cheering section and of course - financial support. Go Team Timberwolf...I'm doing it for you, dad!!!

Anniversary

so, it has been a year since my dad left to go dance on streets of gold with Jesus. i have been thinking of him a lot more than usual today. we even ventured to his memorial this afternoon... it is the first time i have been back. this past year i have been spending a lot of time trying not to feel...mostly with success but what i have found is 9 times out of 10, when emotion does sneak out, it comes out as anger. i have never seen myself as an angry person. grief is weird.

the hardest part of my recent journey is trying not to feel and yet struggling with the lack of passion, enjoyment and happiness that i used to feel. what i am discovering is that you cannot give up one emotion without giving up the others - no matter how much you try. as i was sitting at the cemetery, listening to my mind for the first time in months, i heard the song i sang for my dad...

"one day i'll be with you...but for now, i have His work to do"

...somewhere i have forgotten that. i relied on God so much to give me strength to get me through dad's sickness. i don't think, no-i know i would not have gotten through it without Him. then why did i stop relying on him through the grief? why is it so hard to ask for help when you hurt? is it hard for you to lean on God when you hurt? if so, why? and if it's not hard--- how do you do it?

rambling detective work

so i am sitting up trying to fight off a panic attack with deep breaths and journal writing rather than medication...i think my heart is trying to skip right out of my rib cage and it feels like a million angry bees are trying to get out. there is one more hour of easter sunday for me and the rest of the pacific time zone. normally this is one of my favorite holidays of the year...but instead it has turned into the hardest holiday for me so far. all evening i have been trying to figure out WHY has easter been harder than christmas...or valentines...or great guys day??? why do i feel so empty?

well, recently i began therapy. i treated myself (and my family) to try to regain some sanity...my counselor quickly pinpointed grief as being a factor (which was not a surprise) and suggested journal writing. so here i am, blogging once again trying to share my feelings, hoping to gain some clarity for myself as well as maybe, hopefully, just in case, helping someone else with the struggles in their life as well.

so back to easter...why was it hard...why was it emotional...after all i don't have any overwhelming childhood memories of easter with my dad. yes they were great and my parents always made them fun but why am i attaching this to dad? i began thinking about the sunday school lesson that i helped with today. the lead teacher kept reminding the children that easter is about the last supper when Jesus told the disciples that He loved them very much and that He was going to die but He would rise again. ***now, let me FIRST say: i do not wish to portray that i think my father is Jesus: that is not the point. nor can i even compare my father to Jesus... but, the conversation really sounded familiar. then the lead teacher said...but that's ok because we will see Jesus in heaven again one day... BAM!!! i remember the very feelings i had when my dad said to me that he and i would see each other again in heaven someday.

hmmm, so, now i get why today felt so bad. grief is weird... i really think i would like to go back to the numb stage...

the queen of guilt

so, it has been ages since i have sat down to post. there has been a lot going on in my life, in my head and in my heart. mostly i am just going day to day. everyone in the household is busy, healthy and blessed to have a warm roof over our head. what strange weather this winter has brought us.

i have been feeling very down lately, like i am in a perpetual fog. somehow, i feel like i am supposed to be over dad's death and all the emotions involved. but you know, i realized that i have only started the process. i think i jumped back into life too quickly and did not allow myself to grieve. somehow i am scared that once i let go it is not going to stop. i just keep stuffing it down and there is not much room left to stuff. so, it is time to deal and work through this craziness AND not feel guilty in doing so. you see...i am the QUEEN of guilt!

as i was sitting in my car the other day waiting for something, i came across a little notebook in my purse. i started flipping through the pages and realized they were the notes i took, in the dark, at the women of faith conference. after deciphering the scribbles, one of the notes i found really caught my eye. i don't know which speaker said this or what context it was in but what i wrote down really hit home for me right now.

"grief is a decision to heal our future"

so in this post, i give myself permission to continue on my journey in life---which includes grieving for the loss of my dad. i am not going to let this perpetual fog stay in my head any longer. i hope you understand.

where does life go?

how does life get so crazy? i feel like i woke up this morning and realized half of my life is gone and i have no idea where the other half is going. life travels so fast, i feel like i do not get the really important things done. i just float along, day to day, playing "keep up" with life, my emotions and my daughter.

tomorrow is abby's observation day at ballet class. she has enjoyed this class so much. it should be fun to watch her in action. i just hope it is not too much of a distraction to have me there. i wish they had 1 way glass to observe instead. i hope to get video of her... keep your fingers crossed that our sporadic camera works tomorrow.

also keep your fingers crossed, or pray if you would rather, that i keep my finger... just kidding. i tore the corner of my nail last weekend and i now have an abscess under my nail. basically it feels as if i have a needle sticking into my finger every time i touch it to something. it has been throbbing all day and the swelling is up to my 1st knuckle. the good news is that it does not tend to swell beyond that - the bad news, so far i am not responding to antibiotics so it's off to the doctor again for me tomorrow morning before my upcoming trip.

i head out sunday for denver. i feel very blessed to have been selected to go as the second part of a team that went to the pebc thinking strategies institute a few years back. it is a reading conference that focuses on classroom environment and comprehension strategies. i am so pumped to see this in action after hearing my colleagues talk about how powerful the experience was for them. i got a sneak peak into the process as an instructor modeled at our school for 2 days in yayasmom's classroom last year. but that was 3rd grade and i have been curious ever since as to what it would look like in a 1st grade classroom. now i will get to see first hand and then try it out in mine! there are 8 of us going. sarah t and tony w are the others from the first grade team. i am glad i will have 1st grade colleagues to reflect on the process with and i'm looking forward to get to know the 3rd grade team a little better!

i just got done with parent / teacher conferences. it was 2 1/2 days of talking and it truly makes my head spin (still). almost all my parents were able to come, which is really nice. i learn a lot more about my kids during conference time. i had a new experience this year, one of my parents dropped the f-bomb, right in front of the student. i don't know why but i got embarrassed. i think i turned red. it was not done in anger, just matter of fact, so it was all good - just uncomfortable for me. i guess it could have been a lot worse.

i was relieved this weekend to get a hello from my cousin erin over in uganda. she and her colleagues recently spent 3 weeks out of contact in southern sudan. i was amazed and humbled as i read her blog entry about her experience there. if you have a chance to head over to her blog, she is a passionate writer and an incredible woman of faith. she also has links to blogs that have been written by her friends and colleagues in uganda with her. they are all written well and very inspiring to read.

speaking of inspiration.. my life group has left me with a lot of questions rattling around these past few weeks. this week is about getting even or giving grace. i have been searching my memory for a time when i had the opportunity to get even with someone. i can't think of a time...i think i probably block out times i have wanted to get even with someone. usually it is a time for me to practice counting to ten and doing deep breathing. or it's a time i gave in and got even and have chosen to forget because i know it wasn't the best thing to do. but i can honestly say, i don't think i strive to get even with others...it doesn't do any good. but the week is also bringing up forgiveness which is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. regretfully, i try and try to forgive but for some "sick" reason i do not forget emotionally painful experiences. i would like to. matter of fact most of the time i wish i could get selective amnesia and wipe out several years of my life but then i have to realize... i will not have learned from those painful experiences if i do not remember them. so, as much as i would like to forget - i shouldn't. which brings me back to forgiveness.

i used to think that if i forgave someone it meant that i was ok with what they did. like my dad, when he had an affair. i was livid with him for hurting our family but i still loved him because he was my father. i felt i would be disloyal to my mom if i forgave him but without forgiveness we could not have a true father-daughter relationship. then i met tricia. she told me that forgiveness has nothing to do with accepting a wrong doing. forgiveness is what is in my heart, it is my duty to forgive. the wrong doing is between my dad and God now. so it was up to my father to ask for his own forgiveness. i think that is why it was so important for me to know my father had found his faith before he passed. i was so worried he had not asked for forgiveness and i wanted so much for him to know that he was forgiven. it was out of my control. and if you know me...you know that "out of control" is very difficult place for me to be!

happy weekend. take care. and stay dry.

playing catch up with my reflections

wow...so much has happened in the past (almost) month since my last post. so many things i had intended to share but didn't get to the computer in the frame of mind to blog. here is a sneak peak at some highlights (in no particular order)

• abby loving her ballet class
• missing my dad
• uncomfortable parent conference - with me on the parent end instead of being the teacher
• missing my dad
• kevin locking himself in the back of his patrol car for 4.5 hours (now, he wants be called macgyver for his ingenious escape with a dog leash)
• missing my dad
• a trip to fantasy halloween trail - fun family day
• missing my dad
• an anniversary trip - from wolf to woof and dinner with my hubby
• missing my dad
• lots of prayers going to my cousins, aunt & uncle
• missing my dad
• women of faith conference - very inspiring for me - lots of new reads to look forward to (thank you kevvie)
• yep, missing my dad
• prayers for debbie
• missing my dad
  
• a stagnant weight loss phase
• missing my dad
• a new life group starting up - new reflections, new direction, new friends
• missing my dad

so we started a new series at church called living right when life goes wrong. it has really gotten me thinking about how i deal with stress and disappointment. an underlying question has continued to ring in my ears ...i have struggled with it & pondered on it for the last few weeks. WHAT DO PEOPLE SEE WHEN YOU ARE IN THE PIT (of life)? i know what i hope people see but i know that is not my reality - or my "current reality" as we say at work. i am still learning to control my emotions...maybe not control them but to live gracefully through them. someday.

we have a (few) winners!

i have decided to declare a tie for my pay it forward giveaway... in great appreciation of my 2 commenters :) congratulations to yayasmom and lori for winning my first ever PIF.

on another note, i spent some time this morning browsing some "weekly winner" blogs so i decided to post a few unofficial weekly winner photos to highlight my week.

monday: coffee... lots of it

tuesday: sleep... and lots of it

wednesday: random interest

thursday: maggie's welcome

friday: mosaic

saturday: life




sunday: my date with a mop

back in the saddle

it has been a while. i have been processing my heart at a snail's pace as i speed along at life's usual hectic pace. i have been inspired by many posts, well wishes, emails, and stories these past few weeks but have not had a clue as to what to say. then my mom sent me an email. it seems to fit right in with my story, my journey searching for my faith and my life right now.

i think we can tell a lot about someone by their beliefs... this piece of writing has gotten me thinking about my own beliefs and how they influence the way i live and how i can learn about myself.

as a winner of yayasmom's pay it forward contest, i need to have my own. i would like to hear from you about which belief from this writing touches a chord in your heart or rings true AND how does it influence the way you live each day. Just leave me a comment and you will be entered in my pay it forward event to win fabulous prizes! contest will end October 3rd at noon.


so happy reading...i hope this piece is as thought provoking for you as me. what do you believe?


I Believe (unknown author)

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born.
A Death Certificate shows that we died.
And, pictures show that we lived!

Now, relax.... and read this slowly.

I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean
they don't love each other. And if they don't argue, it
doesn't mean they do.

I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand
that friends change.

I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to
hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the
longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give
you heartache for life.

I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I
want to be.

I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving
words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you
can't.

I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how
we feel.

I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls
you.

I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and
have the best time.

I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be
angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - That maturity has more to do with what types of
experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to
do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world
doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe - That our background and circumstances may have
influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see
something totally different.

I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by
people who don't even know you.

I believe - . That even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent
human being.

I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken
from you too soon.

thank you

dad's internment is in 10 1/2 hours. kevin and i are finishing off a bottle of wine in his memory so we can place the cork in the ground with his ashes. tonight i celebrate my father.

i am not looking forward to tomorrow but i know that i have so many thoughts and prayers with me. my friends and family "ROCK"! thank you for all the prayers, kind words, flowers, support, encouragement and LOVE during this time in my life. i could not do it without you. i am truly blessed for all i have.

final goodbyes

"what a God we have! and how fortunate we are to have Him! because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for...including a future in heaven - and the future starts now!" 1 Peter 1: 3-4 (The Message)



dad passed today at 4:05pm. i got to be at his side with cathy as he took his last breath. i am relieved he is at peace but so sad he is gone. tomorrow starts a new road on my journey. today i will just grieve.

you can let go now daddy...

so tonight i think i said my final goodbyes to my dad. tomorrow i think he will be in heaven. he is no longer responding to those around him and his breathing is labored. what a change - from even last night. each day this week has been shocking when i walk in to spend time with him. it has been like a time travel going too fast! no wait, i am not ready!

it's weird, i think death smells like chamomile tea - i don't think i will be able to drink it anymore. or maybe when i need some "time" with my dad i should drink it to remember him. it will help remind me of the strong man he has been and how he made sure each one of his kids were ok before he left.

there is a knot in my tummy right now and i feel totally lost. somehow even with the reality of it all, i am still in disbelief that it is coming anytime.

confession

as i sit down to write tonight, i must admit that i write in anger. i do not want to have an angry heart nor do really know why i feel anger right now. it is just there.

what a change 1 week can make...or even 1 day. it is weird how life just keeps going on around you. for me, it feels like slow motion. i can't imagine how it goes for dad or especially for cathy.

i tried to pray along side of my father tonight. it was so frustrating. it made me wonder why i say i am a Christian. i don't know how to pray. it felt clunky and fake. authentic prayer is hard but i don't feel like it should be.

once again, i will go to bed feeling like i have not done enough...

lori "unglued"

so i thought i had been keeping it together pretty well up until today. not so much. i left from visiting my dad completely out of control, feeling "psychotic", and unable to control my emotions. i'm not saying that's a bad thing either. i seem to gather some clarity about what's going on. i have discovered it's harder to visit my dad if i am going to see other family members. it's not as easy to detach emotionally around my family. and again, that's not a bad thing either. it's funny how guilt plays a weird place in my life. where does it come from? and how do i not go there in times of stress?

today i was trying to explain to my brother how i still found it difficult to talk to dad. dad keeps asking if i have anything i need to say to him before he goes. i don't think i do anymore. we were able to talk about his faith and he knows that i love him. jeff said he thinks it's important for me to tell dad it's ok to go...so that was my breaking point. although i have known it is coming and i don't want him to go on in this pain...it is still hard to tell him it's ok to go. luckily, our conversation enabled me to share the song i chose to "sing" (record) for his memorial. the words of the song mesh with my feelings so much and i feel lucky to get to explain to him why. maybe someday i will be brave enough to share the song on here. after all, it is my comfort, my connection to saying goodbye to dad. and the best part.... cathy was in the room with us. she shared my best moment with my dad.


now even with a serious post and a serious topic... i can't leave it without some sense of humor...my dad would not stand for it. so i picked out some choice pictures to share of dr. dad!!!



i call these his super specs, we all tried them on (after some wine of course) but i think he had the most fun wearing them.






here is grandpa don smitten over another little granddaughter. he was making goofy sounds and faces at her even from the beginning. he calls abby "his little girl".







i giggle every time i see this picture. i can hear dad and cathy giggling... all in their glory with their grandchildren. dad is always happiest when he is surrounded by family. i want to make sure he is surrounded by family these final days.

i love you dad. it's ok to go now.

i won!!!!!!!!!!

all right! i am so excited to win yayasmom's pay it forward 3.0 giveaway. what a way to celebrate going back to work tomorrow. now i get to host my own pay it forward. i can't remember all the rules and i want to get creative for the contest so come back in a few days to enter. your odds of winning should be really good...



now for some other excitement for the week... abby was playing in our backyard while i was puttering around the house. i would look out the window to check on her every few minutes. low and behold, abby had decided to go "swimming" with her rubber duckie in the backyard. at first glance she still had her shirt on... by the time kevin got the camera she was - well- buck naked and having a ball! by the time she was finished, she had removed all the water plants and she was using their containers to dump water over her head. grandma cholly was nice enough to bathe the stinky, swamp rat after her adventure. like i said in an earlier post. i am blessed by a wonderful three year old and all the crazy things she does to make me laugh!

there's not a whole lot...

going on inside of me right now. well, that's not really true but sometimes it feels that way. i feel like i should feel more, do more, say more. please excuse me for jumping around while i explore my thought process.

a few months ago i went to my first lifegroup at the church i have been attending for about a year. it was exactly what i needed to begin breaking through the social anxiety i feel in new situations. the first week we were talking about circumstances that have caused us to believe or doubt God's existence. i remember struggling (a lot) with this idea because i knew i shouldn't doubt God's existence but some of the things i (we all) see in this world are so unexplainable. for me it is some of the situations i see in my work with children and the big one right now for me is...my dad. i realized i was constantly questioning God, "why does He allow cancer?" "why are there horrible things in this world?" "why, why, why" this is not fair! people are not supposed to die this way...or this soon. why do i have to lose my father and why does abby have to lose her grandpa so early. i wanted to her to have the great relationship with him like i had with my grandpa. why does cathy have to lose her husband just a few years after they married. why did i wait so long to get close to my father? these are just a few of my whys and me sounding like a spoiled 3 year old. :o)

i continued my lifegroup journey for 7 more weeks, then finished out the summer before i realized that something is changing. i really started thinking about my doubts after reading a post by lori , talking to yayasmom, and getting an encouraging email from my dear cousin erin. while i still find myself asking those questions...they are not to God but to myself. i'm not saying that all the doubt is gone for me. i still struggle trying to make sense of everything. i still ask why, why, why... BUT when i really think about it, the why is not the true question. i think it is easier to get lost in the why so i don't have to deal with the WHAT...

what now?
what can i do to help?
what do i say?
what am i going to do when i need my dad?
what do i tell people when they ask?
what happens next?
what if i can't handle it?


maybe i should have titled this post there's not a whole lot making sense inside of me right now. that is what appears to be happening. i guess the point i was discovering in myself is that my doubt is shifting. i think it is natural (and probably healthy) to doubt. i may not be able to change that my dad is going to die soon but maybe i can start to explore what i can do to change things around me. just another thought to ponder... i think that is one of the things that made my grandma betty so special to me. instead of judging or asking why, i think she just trusted God and changed things for those around her with loving support. i hope that someday, i will do that too.