A friend of mine inspired me to start blogging again. For me, it's not about sharing my thoughts or some incredible journey. I am not doing amazing work or serving others. I am not doing anything special at all. For me, it's more about talking to myself - and listening to myself. To do that, I write. My heart does best speaking through my hands.
Two years ago this September, I lost my dad to cancer. For a while, I thought I was doing pretty well but recently, I have realized just how much that loss has cost me...and my family.
On July 17th, I participated on a Relay for Life team. I felt it was my way of fighting back for my dad. I thought it would help me heal. I thought I would feel better after getting involved. ... ... ... ... ...
Relay for Life,
Luminaria Ceremony
Moving and Incredible
this was mine, for my dad...
Dear Dad,
I miss you every day. When people ask me why I Relay I answer, “for my dad”. But that is the easy version of the answer because I never want to say too much. I guess I don’t really want to say much at all anymore. What I really want is to talk to you. I want to tell you my thoughts and process my questions with you. Maybe I’m just scared that if I do try to explain to someone, the tears may start and never stop.
When you told me you were diagnosed with cancer I felt like my voice was taken away. I no longer felt I had any control. I thought that by doing the Relay for Life in your memory it would somehow give me back my desire to have a voice; to talk to people, to be me. The problem is I don’t feel like me anymore. There is a part of me that died along side of you and it hasn’t come back or been filled like I thought it eventually would. It just feels like it is getting deeper and deeper.
This is my way of saying, I love you and I miss you. But I am still angry you were taken so soon. Please ask Jesus to give you a hug and know that it is from me.
Your daughter,
Lori
