rambling detective work

so i am sitting up trying to fight off a panic attack with deep breaths and journal writing rather than medication...i think my heart is trying to skip right out of my rib cage and it feels like a million angry bees are trying to get out. there is one more hour of easter sunday for me and the rest of the pacific time zone. normally this is one of my favorite holidays of the year...but instead it has turned into the hardest holiday for me so far. all evening i have been trying to figure out WHY has easter been harder than christmas...or valentines...or great guys day??? why do i feel so empty?

well, recently i began therapy. i treated myself (and my family) to try to regain some sanity...my counselor quickly pinpointed grief as being a factor (which was not a surprise) and suggested journal writing. so here i am, blogging once again trying to share my feelings, hoping to gain some clarity for myself as well as maybe, hopefully, just in case, helping someone else with the struggles in their life as well.

so back to easter...why was it hard...why was it emotional...after all i don't have any overwhelming childhood memories of easter with my dad. yes they were great and my parents always made them fun but why am i attaching this to dad? i began thinking about the sunday school lesson that i helped with today. the lead teacher kept reminding the children that easter is about the last supper when Jesus told the disciples that He loved them very much and that He was going to die but He would rise again. ***now, let me FIRST say: i do not wish to portray that i think my father is Jesus: that is not the point. nor can i even compare my father to Jesus... but, the conversation really sounded familiar. then the lead teacher said...but that's ok because we will see Jesus in heaven again one day... BAM!!! i remember the very feelings i had when my dad said to me that he and i would see each other again in heaven someday.

hmmm, so, now i get why today felt so bad. grief is weird... i really think i would like to go back to the numb stage...