Four years ago tomorrow my dad went home to be with Jesus. Days have been busy and life has gone on but I have not stopped missing my dad. I wish he were still here today; there is so much I want to talk about.

Luminaria Bag

A friend of mine inspired me to start blogging again. For me, it's not about sharing my thoughts or some incredible journey. I am not doing amazing work or serving others. I am not doing anything special at all. For me, it's more about talking to myself - and listening to myself. To do that, I write. My heart does best speaking through my hands.

Two years ago this September, I lost my dad to cancer. For a while, I thought I was doing pretty well but recently, I have realized just how much that loss has cost me...and my family.

On July 17th, I participated on a Relay for Life team. I felt it was my way of fighting back for my dad. I thought it would help me heal. I thought I would feel better after getting involved. ... ... ... ... ...

Relay for Life,

Luminaria Ceremony

Moving and Incredible

this was mine, for my dad...

Dear Dad,

I miss you every day. When people ask me why I Relay I answer, “for my dad”. But that is the easy version of the answer because I never want to say too much. I guess I don’t really want to say much at all anymore. What I really want is to talk to you. I want to tell you my thoughts and process my questions with you. Maybe I’m just scared that if I do try to explain to someone, the tears may start and never stop.

When you told me you were diagnosed with cancer I felt like my voice was taken away. I no longer felt I had any control. I thought that by doing the Relay for Life in your memory it would somehow give me back my desire to have a voice; to talk to people, to be me. The problem is I don’t feel like me anymore. There is a part of me that died along side of you and it hasn’t come back or been filled like I thought it eventually would. It just feels like it is getting deeper and deeper.

This is my way of saying, I love you and I miss you. But I am still angry you were taken so soon. Please ask Jesus to give you a hug and know that it is from me.

Your daughter,

Lori

Relay For Life

A lot has happened this year.
I have done a lot of thinking.
This Christmas has been the hardest so far.
So, it is time to do something about it...

Kevin and I have started Team Timberwolf and registered for the Relay for Life in Clackamas, Oregon. I am overwhelmed at how Cancer has touched -well, more like grabbed a hold and shook my life...

I remember...my dad
I celebrate survival...my step-dad
I celebrate survival...my father-in-law
I remember...my grandpa Ted
I celebrate survival...my grandma Jan
I remember...my grandma Betty
I celebrate survival...my aunt
I celebrate survival...my friend, Jim
I celebrate survival...my dear friend, Anna
I am fighting with...my amazing friend, Carol

come join our team any way you can!!! We welcome prayer, walkers, a cheering section and of course - financial support. Go Team Timberwolf...I'm doing it for you, dad!!!

Anniversary

so, it has been a year since my dad left to go dance on streets of gold with Jesus. i have been thinking of him a lot more than usual today. we even ventured to his memorial this afternoon... it is the first time i have been back. this past year i have been spending a lot of time trying not to feel...mostly with success but what i have found is 9 times out of 10, when emotion does sneak out, it comes out as anger. i have never seen myself as an angry person. grief is weird.

the hardest part of my recent journey is trying not to feel and yet struggling with the lack of passion, enjoyment and happiness that i used to feel. what i am discovering is that you cannot give up one emotion without giving up the others - no matter how much you try. as i was sitting at the cemetery, listening to my mind for the first time in months, i heard the song i sang for my dad...

"one day i'll be with you...but for now, i have His work to do"

...somewhere i have forgotten that. i relied on God so much to give me strength to get me through dad's sickness. i don't think, no-i know i would not have gotten through it without Him. then why did i stop relying on him through the grief? why is it so hard to ask for help when you hurt? is it hard for you to lean on God when you hurt? if so, why? and if it's not hard--- how do you do it?

rambling detective work

so i am sitting up trying to fight off a panic attack with deep breaths and journal writing rather than medication...i think my heart is trying to skip right out of my rib cage and it feels like a million angry bees are trying to get out. there is one more hour of easter sunday for me and the rest of the pacific time zone. normally this is one of my favorite holidays of the year...but instead it has turned into the hardest holiday for me so far. all evening i have been trying to figure out WHY has easter been harder than christmas...or valentines...or great guys day??? why do i feel so empty?

well, recently i began therapy. i treated myself (and my family) to try to regain some sanity...my counselor quickly pinpointed grief as being a factor (which was not a surprise) and suggested journal writing. so here i am, blogging once again trying to share my feelings, hoping to gain some clarity for myself as well as maybe, hopefully, just in case, helping someone else with the struggles in their life as well.

so back to easter...why was it hard...why was it emotional...after all i don't have any overwhelming childhood memories of easter with my dad. yes they were great and my parents always made them fun but why am i attaching this to dad? i began thinking about the sunday school lesson that i helped with today. the lead teacher kept reminding the children that easter is about the last supper when Jesus told the disciples that He loved them very much and that He was going to die but He would rise again. ***now, let me FIRST say: i do not wish to portray that i think my father is Jesus: that is not the point. nor can i even compare my father to Jesus... but, the conversation really sounded familiar. then the lead teacher said...but that's ok because we will see Jesus in heaven again one day... BAM!!! i remember the very feelings i had when my dad said to me that he and i would see each other again in heaven someday.

hmmm, so, now i get why today felt so bad. grief is weird... i really think i would like to go back to the numb stage...

the queen of guilt

so, it has been ages since i have sat down to post. there has been a lot going on in my life, in my head and in my heart. mostly i am just going day to day. everyone in the household is busy, healthy and blessed to have a warm roof over our head. what strange weather this winter has brought us.

i have been feeling very down lately, like i am in a perpetual fog. somehow, i feel like i am supposed to be over dad's death and all the emotions involved. but you know, i realized that i have only started the process. i think i jumped back into life too quickly and did not allow myself to grieve. somehow i am scared that once i let go it is not going to stop. i just keep stuffing it down and there is not much room left to stuff. so, it is time to deal and work through this craziness AND not feel guilty in doing so. you see...i am the QUEEN of guilt!

as i was sitting in my car the other day waiting for something, i came across a little notebook in my purse. i started flipping through the pages and realized they were the notes i took, in the dark, at the women of faith conference. after deciphering the scribbles, one of the notes i found really caught my eye. i don't know which speaker said this or what context it was in but what i wrote down really hit home for me right now.

"grief is a decision to heal our future"

so in this post, i give myself permission to continue on my journey in life---which includes grieving for the loss of my dad. i am not going to let this perpetual fog stay in my head any longer. i hope you understand.

where does life go?

how does life get so crazy? i feel like i woke up this morning and realized half of my life is gone and i have no idea where the other half is going. life travels so fast, i feel like i do not get the really important things done. i just float along, day to day, playing "keep up" with life, my emotions and my daughter.

tomorrow is abby's observation day at ballet class. she has enjoyed this class so much. it should be fun to watch her in action. i just hope it is not too much of a distraction to have me there. i wish they had 1 way glass to observe instead. i hope to get video of her... keep your fingers crossed that our sporadic camera works tomorrow.

also keep your fingers crossed, or pray if you would rather, that i keep my finger... just kidding. i tore the corner of my nail last weekend and i now have an abscess under my nail. basically it feels as if i have a needle sticking into my finger every time i touch it to something. it has been throbbing all day and the swelling is up to my 1st knuckle. the good news is that it does not tend to swell beyond that - the bad news, so far i am not responding to antibiotics so it's off to the doctor again for me tomorrow morning before my upcoming trip.

i head out sunday for denver. i feel very blessed to have been selected to go as the second part of a team that went to the pebc thinking strategies institute a few years back. it is a reading conference that focuses on classroom environment and comprehension strategies. i am so pumped to see this in action after hearing my colleagues talk about how powerful the experience was for them. i got a sneak peak into the process as an instructor modeled at our school for 2 days in yayasmom's classroom last year. but that was 3rd grade and i have been curious ever since as to what it would look like in a 1st grade classroom. now i will get to see first hand and then try it out in mine! there are 8 of us going. sarah t and tony w are the others from the first grade team. i am glad i will have 1st grade colleagues to reflect on the process with and i'm looking forward to get to know the 3rd grade team a little better!

i just got done with parent / teacher conferences. it was 2 1/2 days of talking and it truly makes my head spin (still). almost all my parents were able to come, which is really nice. i learn a lot more about my kids during conference time. i had a new experience this year, one of my parents dropped the f-bomb, right in front of the student. i don't know why but i got embarrassed. i think i turned red. it was not done in anger, just matter of fact, so it was all good - just uncomfortable for me. i guess it could have been a lot worse.

i was relieved this weekend to get a hello from my cousin erin over in uganda. she and her colleagues recently spent 3 weeks out of contact in southern sudan. i was amazed and humbled as i read her blog entry about her experience there. if you have a chance to head over to her blog, she is a passionate writer and an incredible woman of faith. she also has links to blogs that have been written by her friends and colleagues in uganda with her. they are all written well and very inspiring to read.

speaking of inspiration.. my life group has left me with a lot of questions rattling around these past few weeks. this week is about getting even or giving grace. i have been searching my memory for a time when i had the opportunity to get even with someone. i can't think of a time...i think i probably block out times i have wanted to get even with someone. usually it is a time for me to practice counting to ten and doing deep breathing. or it's a time i gave in and got even and have chosen to forget because i know it wasn't the best thing to do. but i can honestly say, i don't think i strive to get even with others...it doesn't do any good. but the week is also bringing up forgiveness which is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. regretfully, i try and try to forgive but for some "sick" reason i do not forget emotionally painful experiences. i would like to. matter of fact most of the time i wish i could get selective amnesia and wipe out several years of my life but then i have to realize... i will not have learned from those painful experiences if i do not remember them. so, as much as i would like to forget - i shouldn't. which brings me back to forgiveness.

i used to think that if i forgave someone it meant that i was ok with what they did. like my dad, when he had an affair. i was livid with him for hurting our family but i still loved him because he was my father. i felt i would be disloyal to my mom if i forgave him but without forgiveness we could not have a true father-daughter relationship. then i met tricia. she told me that forgiveness has nothing to do with accepting a wrong doing. forgiveness is what is in my heart, it is my duty to forgive. the wrong doing is between my dad and God now. so it was up to my father to ask for his own forgiveness. i think that is why it was so important for me to know my father had found his faith before he passed. i was so worried he had not asked for forgiveness and i wanted so much for him to know that he was forgiven. it was out of my control. and if you know me...you know that "out of control" is very difficult place for me to be!

happy weekend. take care. and stay dry.